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I have just returned from a two days seminar at a fine hotel, with a lot of younger professional people, some of the ladies quite stylish and attractive. During a morning session, two of these who shared a PC workstation whispered to each other intensely, then got up and left the room together, which made me think they were most certainly heading for the loo.
Two minutes later the trainer called a break, and I set off to try and verify my assumption. There were toilets close by, but listening in front of the ladies' door proved there was noone in there. I cancelled the idea and took a stroll down the corridor, away from the crowd. When I came to an intersecting corridor, I saw the two standing together around the corner. One of them was a tall trim blonde dressed in a red blazer jacket and a matching hip-hugging miniskirt. She had great long legs and a well-rounded but not big butt. The other, shorter one had brown hair, a well-tanned face and bright blue eyes. She was wearing a loose khaki coloured suit with a green scarf. Both were approaching thirty. The tall blonde's face was pale and sweating, lips pressed together. Her posture made me think she was not feeling well. The brunette was touching her forearm lightly with her hand and talking to her in a low voice.
During the few seconds it took me to pass by, I overheard fractions of what she said, like „I told you to go before... silly training... not worth suffering... take a look at yourself... torture... now, come on in there...". Muttering away, she motioned the blonde to a door some steps down the corridor, which had the ladies' sign on it. Viewing the blonde's silhouette I discerned that she had a sizeable round belly, remarkably protruding like in a five months pregnant woman, which seemed completely out of tune with the rest of her slim, slender body. She took slow steps, with one hand pressed on her belly and the other around the shoulder of the brunette, who supported her around the waist.
I walked on along the corridor, trying to act as inconspicuous as I possibly could, and waited out of sight until I heard the door open and shut again. Then I returned quietly and, to my great excitement, found that the next door said gentlemen. I slipped in there without a sound, and entering one of three cubicles I found that the gents' was separated from the ladies' by seven feet of tiled wall with a transparent separation on top which filled only 90 per cent of the open space, probably in order to enhance air circulation since the gents' had windows while the ladies' obviously had not. However, it did enhance the transportation of sound - I found that I could listen in on anything going on in the ladies' room! So having no business of my own in the toilet, I just stood there in silence and listened. This is roughly what I can recollect of their conversation and of the ensuing noises:
(the blonde, with a weak voice, close to tears:) „Angie?"
(the brunette:) „Yes, dear?"
„Will you please come inside with me, Angie? Please do."
„Shall I? You won't be embarrassed?"
„No, please come with me. I mean, in case I will faint, or be sick, or so... I feel so weak, Angie. I need your help."
Heels clicking, the cubicle door closing, the lock turning.
„Christ, this is not designed for two grownups... Sit down so I can can stand against the door. Will you please sit down, Janet dear, come on, sit on the pan, I'll support you..."
„Can't... sit... bend... It - hurts!"
„Spread your legs. It won't hurt if you spread your legs. Wait a second, I'll help you get your knickers down..." (clothes ruffling) „Now get your skirt up, get it up! Wait, I'll do it..." (more ruffles) „Now hold it, there! Good girl. Now spread your legs, that's fine, let me... yes, that's fine, down you go... I'll help you... Dammit, how did you get such a bloated belly for Chrissake? You look like you're positively poppin' any second now. What you been doin', piggin' out like Gargantua or what?"
„I - it... hurts - ouch! Wait, slowly... I didn't go all Easter... since Saturday - All that food and then... yesterday evening... the hot chili we had... that - that -"
„Are you sayin' you haven't moved your bowels for three days?"
„Yeah... three days."
„And eating away happily all the time, it seems like we're in for something real grand. When did your belly start to bloat like that? It's the gas, isn't it? It must be the gas, major gas, seems like, now that I come to look at your belly..."
„I woke up like this today, and its been like this ever since. I mean, I've been... err... breaking wind... long wind, in fact, every couple of minutes or so. I thought it would get better, but it just went on... it kept coming, like bubbles and more bubbles in my stomach - and it never stopped..."
„I didn't hear or smell anything, now that you mention it."
„I didn't... of course, not during the seminar!"
„You mean you held it in? All these hours?"
„Of course, I would never... I mean, I cannot - in public! So I... held it in and it... got real, real bad five minutes ago, that's why I asked you to..."
„You could've passed it silently, couldn't you."
„No, I... I mean, I never - I can never do it... pass it, you know, silently. It always... comes out like... it makes sounds, you know, very vulgar sounds. Can't do anything about it, it's just... OH I'M SO ASHAMED, ANGIE !" (here she sobbed and broke out in tears).
„Come on, Janet dear, no need to be ashamed. However, you've got to let it out now. What about giving it a try?"
(Janet, through tears:) „What?"
„Let it out now, of course. I mean, that's why we're here."
„You mean, here, in your presence? In front of you?"
„Shall I go outside?"
(Janet, with a streak of panic in her voice:) „No! Please stay, Angie, don't go away, don't leave me alone!"
(Angie, sounding a tiny bit unnerved:) „Well then, I'll stay. Then do you realize you really have to do it in front of me?"
„I... see."
(several seconds of silence)
(Angie:) „Well, what are you waiting for?"
(Janet, hesitatingly:) „Angie, I... oh, Angie, I... I mean, it's not easy for me, I'm so... embarrassed. I never did... it... in front of... anyone."
(Angie, getting impatient:) „Oh hell, it's really not a big deal! Come on, get a grip, I mean, it's just a fart, so what? Or probably a whole bunch of them, if I look at your belly. Go on, push, push it out! Relieve yourself!" (again, several seconds of silence)
(Janet, tentatively:) „Angie?"
„Yes, Janet dear?"
„Angie, can you...?" (silence)
„Can I what, Janet?"
(Janet, very timid:) „I mean, can you... do one first?"
(Angie, with a laugh of surprise:) „Me? Why's that? I mean, why would you want me to do that?"
„Because... I think, I mean it will make me feel more... comfortable. Will you, Angie? Please!"
„Make you feel comfortable, now that's a laugh! Oh Janet, dear, you're such a bashful child, I can't believe it."
(Angie, to herself:) „Makes her more comfortable, can't believe it. Let me see what I can do. Mmmh..." (holding her breath, obviously pushing hard) „...nnh! Well, I don't seem to... nnngh... have one in - - - - store right now - - I - - - - uhh! Nothing. Janet dear, I'm afraid I can't help you there."
„Please do. Please try again, Angie. Just to make me feel comfortable."
„Just to make you feel comfortable, all right. Well, let me... nnnghnngh - - - try - - - again - - - - nnrrh, oh no!... Boy, that's hard labour. Oops! Now, could that be... something down there, ever so slight... but... rumbling, distinctly rumbling - do you hear it, Janet dear? Put your ear to my belly! There, you hear it? That could be it."
„I hear something, Angie. You mean, that's a... I mean, do you think that's... that you... can, err..."
(Angie, interrupting:) „Yes, I do think. That's my fart, on its way out into freedom. I probably broke it loose by pushing so hard. Now wait - a - - - - - second, I - annnh - - - - -" (a short, snorting fart, medium-pitched, is heard very loudly).
„OOH ! Ah, that felt good! Here you are, Janet dear, now you can feel comfortable. What are you gaping at?"
(Janet, stuttering in disbelief:) „I can't believe you did... that."
„What. Fart?"
„Yes. I mean, in front of me."
„Where's your problem, Janet dear, I mean it's natural, isn't it?"
„It... smells."
„It stinks, you mean. My farts always do. I'm positively rotting inside."
„And it's... no big deal? I mean, you're not ashamed, are you?"
„Not in the least. I'd rather say I'm proud."
„Why do you say you're proud?"
„Because I could do it on demand. And because it was so loud, and because I like my smell. My stink, that is."
„It's still a bit disgusting to me. But if you say it's no big deal..."
„No inhibitions, that's the golden rule with everything in life. Now go ahead; your belly looks like it's grown again over the last couple of minutes."
„You mean I reall shall... let it out?"
„Sure! Now that I made you feel comfortable, what's making you hesitate? Go ahead, blast your farts to high heaven! Push!"
„Well, then. What the hell."
„That's the spirit, what the hell!"
(some seconds of silence)
„Angie..."
„Yes, Janet dear?"
„Angie, now..." (more silence) „I think I am... it's... coming now - nnnhh - - - - - "
Here, a peculiar sound set in. High-pitched and fluctuating, almost singing, not very loud at first, but growing in volume, decreasing in pitch, quite melodious, and, above all, endlessly long, going on and on and on and ever on, singing, getting louder and deeper, reverberating in the bowl, then trumpeting, swelling into a mighty, deep, resounding, rumbling trombone flourish, blasting away with enormous power, then stopping abruptly. It must have lasted half a minute.
(Janet, with a suppressed sigh of relief:) „Mmmm - mhhh!..."
(Angie, with awe in her voice:) „Wow! I mean, Janet - oh boy, that - wow! I can't find words for this - you - let me look at your belly, Janet, it must be... no, it's not, it's still as bloated as it was, goodness. What the hell..."
„Hold it, Angie, I think - I - - have to - - - - do - - - - again - - - - - - "
With this, she proceeded to push out another incredibly long fart, sounding very much like the first, lingering, singing, gathering strength, trumpeting, then ending with a tremendous roar.
(Janet, with another muffled sigh:) „Mhh - mmmmmhh!... Wait - - - - - - - "
And before Janet could start to express her astonishment again, Janet unleashed another one of her overwhelming farts, this time even longer, and with a hint of a moist blubbering mixed into the final vulgar blast.
(Janet, this time sighing loudly, sounding most relieved:) „AAAAAAAHHH ! Oh Angie, I'm shuddering, I feel so relieved."
(Angie, with a small, toneless voice:) „Good for you. Fine. Look at your belly. Seems smaller, thank heaven."
„Angie?"
„Janet?"
„Are you... I mean, you sound - cross?"
„I'm not cross. Place needs ventilation. Ought to put up a sign at the door sayin' ,danger - explosives'."
„But you do sound cross indeed."
(Angie, more relaxed now but still with a tinge of shock in her voice:) „What do you expect, Janet? You sitting here, acting like the puritan virgin, saying ,I can't do it in front of others', ,please make me comfortable' and such stuff, and then you... you go ahead and... rip off these... these..." (finally with a laugh:) „these world championship farts, hell! Can't you see I'm envious? It's a miracle the pan is still standing and not even showing cracks all over the porcelain! You sound like a bleeding soprano singer first, then like a goddamn brass band going at full throttle! You impregnate this place with a stink that could anesthesize a charging rhino in mid-attack! I'd give a fortune if I could ever produce anything even remotely similar!"
„I'm sorry."
„Sorry, hell! Proud is what you should be! The fart machine, that's what I will call you from now on. Put you up in a sideshow and charge a pound to see you: Janet Jones, the miraculous human fart machine. The gas works. The lady pilot who can make a jet plane lift off without an engine. Never heard, never smelled anything like this."
In the instant Angie had mentioned the smell again, it came wafting over through the transparency, penetrating my cubicle, first a faint hint, then after a few seconds the full impact of the „brown cloud". It was piercingly sweet and rotten, almost nauseating. A few seconds of silence passed.
(Janet, with a stir of anxiety in her voice:) „Angie?"
„What's up, Janet dear? Another master blaster on it's way?"
„No, it's... I think I am... going to... it's coming down now."
„What's coming down?"
„You know. The... it... I feel..."
„What do you feel?"
„My... motion... I feel like... it's like something vast moving in there, something descending..."
„Go on, tell me what you feel. Does it feel real big?"
„Big, enormous... like an animal moving inside my belly. Like a big, slow animal. It's... moving. It's filling me up back there... oh, Angie... it's... such a lot... it's like an avalanche... it... hurts, but it's good!..."
„Give a good push and see if you can get it out!"
„It's... coming and coming... more and more of it... it's - so much! Oh, I... I think I can't hold it, I think it's coming now!... Hell, this - ouch! OWW - it hurts, but it's also good! I - must - - - - - mmmhnnnhh! It - - - Angie, it's - - - - so - - - - - big - - - - - I can't - ow! Oooo! - I - can't - it - - - - won't - - - - - - no..., phhh... nn...n..., goodness gracious, Angie, I'm afraid I can't... it's too hard, too big... it won't..." (after some seconds of Janet breathing heavily) „Aaah, it's still hurting! It won't go away!" (panting, tears stifling her voice) „Angie, help me, please help me! It's splitting me in two! I can't hold it, but I also can't get it out! Angie! Help me!"
„Come on, Janet, I'll help you. I'll help you. Now, put your hands under your belly, like that, yes. Now, you are going to bend forward, press your hands in and at the same time push with all your might. Come on. Now, press in, double over, down, your head, down between your knees, and now: P - U - S - H !"
(Janet, shrieking:) „Oooo! Owww! AAAAAAAHHH !"
Next came three seconds of a loud, strained, crackling sound, like the creaking of a heavy plank being pried loose from a wooden floor with a crowbar; then two deep, hard, almost mechanical-sounding splashes, like heavy, compact metal objects being dropped into a pond from considerable height. Then, a third, similar splash.
(Janet:) „Oooooooooohhhh... ooohhhhhhh! Hold me, Angie, please hold me!"
(Angie:) „Here now, come here. That must have been a relief. Sounded like cannonballs. Must have a look at it. Here, now, good girl, just relax... That's fine. But really, let me have a look at it. Please!"
„You really want to see what I... did?"
„I'm dying to see it. Edge forward a little, let me have a good look." (a rustle and shifting).
„That's fine... Anyone ever told you you have a great butt, Janet? Incredible butt, cutest butt I ever saw, true centerfold material. Now let me sneek a peek..." (then, with a shocked voice:) „Wow! Janet! Wow! I mean - WOW!"
„What... Angie? What... do you see... what's in there...?"
„Boy, I mean good heavens, Janet, they're as wide as beer cans! Three pieces, rather short, but wide as beer cans! Dark, gnarled, blunt, and wide as beer cans. How can you possibly pass such... objects? Have you been doing stretching exercises with a baseball bat up your assho... your anus? I must have a look at that one, too. Boy, that's what I call a big, red, wide open, bulging, swollen..."
(Janet, interrupting her, alarmed:) „Get away there, Janet, I - it's - I must - I can't - there's more - it's coming down fast now - there's a lot, a big lot, an awfully - ooh, Angie! Oooo, OOO! Owww! AAA - AAAAAHHH !"
What I heard next can only be described as a mixture of crackling, spluttering, bubbling, roaring and squealing sounds, along with a salvo of deep splashes, then a succession of muffled thuds indicating that the steady flow of material of which Janet was emptying her beautiful butt had emerged above the waterline and was still rising, piling up higher and higher. After twenty seconds or so, the noises subsided; now, a hissing jet became audible - Janet's piss stream forcefully hitting cold, white porcelain. An occasional thud or little splutter accompanied the sharp, forceful hiss, then sudden silence fell like a theatre curtain.
(Janet, with a deep sigh:) „A - ahhhhh - hhhh! Oh, Angie - that was..."
(Angie:) „I stand in awe."
„That was - soooooo - good... I feel... utterly relieved, to say the least..."
„As I said, I stand in awe."
„Angie, look! My belly! Look!"
„My god, flat as a pancake again. Can't believe it. I stand in awe. Really and sincerely, I do stand in awe. Now let me look in the pan."
„Just a second." (another rustle) „Now look, Angie."
(Angie, with a gasp) „Yeuch - I think I need a gas mask for this." (with an obviously pinched nose) „That's - tremendous. Never saw anything like this. Tremendous, is all I can say. Go look youself and admire what you've done. A godalmighty mountain of ochre mush. Shit Everest, so to say. Peak reaching almost up to the rim. No, don't! Heavens, don't wipe now, first have a look at your work, unblemished by wads of paper. Yes, get up, turn around, you won't dribble a drop after that, believe me." (a little smacking sound is heard as Janets butt cheeks rise from the seat).
(Janet:) „My... Angie... I mean, oh my God! I didn't know I could... how can this be possible? I mean, did I... how could I? I'm so embarrassed. But I'm also proud. I..."
„Don't stammer and yammer, Janet dear. You're the world record holder now, so show some dignity and composure. Wipe yourself, and then let's see how we can get rid of this - this - masterful - monstrous - thing."
The sound of ripping paper and wiping was heard, then Janet wiping herself repeatedly.
(Janet:) „This takes some paper."
„No wonder. It was pure ochre coloured mud coming out of you at the end."
„But it wasn't diarrhea."
„No, just soft shit. Not liquid. Just soft, floppy, mushy, squishy, splattering shit."
„I hate to use that word."
„But I like to use it. And face the facts, that's what it is: a big, a real big, very big, extremely and miraculously big mountain of - shit! Your shit! Conceived, born, and raised in your belly, heralded by an opera of world championship farts, promoted through your bowels, molded into its final shape by the passage of your rectum, brought laboriously and painfully into the world through the ring of your anus, emitted from between your beautiful butt cheeks, dumped into this water-filled vessel of white porcelain, piled up there skyhigh to memorize your sensational digestive achievement. Your own, masterful, holy shit!" (more ripping of paper and wiping) „Hell, no! Don't put it in the pan! You'll spoil it! Put it there into the waste bin for sanitary pads."
„Why? Why shouldn't I..."
„Because I - we - intend to leave this masterpiece for the afterworld to admire. The paper will only spoil the purity and magnificence of its aspect."
„Angie, you don't want to say..."
„Oh yes, Janet, I want to say exactly that. Do you think this thing will ever flush away? We will be observed running from an overflowing loo if we dare to try and flush it."
„Oh no, Angie, we can't... we can't do that! We will have to..."
„We will have to leave it alone, believe me. And for the better of it, we will leave it unspoiled and without paper."
„This embarrasses me."
„No need to be ashamed, noone will know who did it. If you want, we can linger around and look at the faces of those who use this loo after us - you - when they come out again."
„It still embarrasses me. I think I will blush crimson if they look back at me. But it could also... couldn't it be fun, somehow? Say, shall we really...?"
„Of course we will, just get dressed and let's get the hell out of this gas chamber."
This stirred me. If they intended to hang around they would probably find out about me listening in on them; so I made a quick retreat without a sound, just as I had come in some ten minutes ago. I vanished down the corridor, back in the direction of the seminar room, where the lessons would have started again some time ago. But I lingered around the entrance to the classroom to take a good look at them when they came back.
Before long, I saw them strolling up towards me, with a leisurely and laid-back attitude. They giggled as they approached, with Angie whispering conspiratively to Janet. Janet Jones, the miraculous human shit machine. Perhaps they were planning further adventurous toilet activities. I could see in Janet's walk how deeply relieved she was. The colour had returned to her face. She was a real beauty, tall and slender - and without even a trace of a bulge where her belly had been. As Angie had said, flat as a pancake. When they passed the place where I was standing, Angie turned her head and eyed me with a thoughtful look. Did she recognize me? I decided not to care and entered the seminar room a step behind them, taking a good eyeful of Janets sensational bottom, when Angie, walking before me, noticed my glance, turned her head again and said playfully in my direction: „That's a sight to see, isn't it? But you better keep your eyes to yourself, fella, you don't know what she can !
do with it." She must have thought this remark kind of smart, I thought. But I did not retort for fear I would give away I knew exactly what she was talking about. I smiled, knowing she had no idea I knew.
I talked to Angie again during the next break, and we both ended up joining a nice party for evening dinner. Janet was not there. My last impression of her that day was when she proceeded to sit down in the seminar room, lowering her gorgeous butt slowly and with extreme delicacy onto her chair, biting her lips and giving off a little hiss of pain when she finally put her full weight to the seat.